Being Openly Christian vs. Openly Gay in America
In response to my last post, I received the following email from a reader. He's given me permission to post it here:
I wanted to drop you a note saying thank you for your recent posts on gay marriage. Your recent posting on being a public Christian, especially, resonated with me.I think Brad makes my point in a much more personal way than I ever could, and I thank him for writing this and allowing me to post it.
I guess you don't really need my story, but I'll relate it anyway . . . Basically, I've had it really easy: grew up in Toronto, went to private schools all my life, did my BA and Masters at Cambridge University, was a coxswain for the Cambridge Lightweights and Women, moved to LA, was head coach for UCLA Masters Rowing team, went to law school at GW, came back to LA. I've got supportive parents, a supportive family, etc etc etc.
I worked at a big firm, and then escaped to a small one. I'm 32.
Essentially: I've had it really easy in my life, and I'm well placed such that I basically can tell jackasses where to go (apart from, of course, the recent Prop 8 disaster).
And in spite of all of that--having a lot of self confidence from what I've done, in spite of having personal and career achievements such that I don't really care what the masses think about me--in spite of all these things, being out (100% completely out) is really, really, really hard.
It affects every personal relationship I have. Every time I meet a client, or another attorney, or, hell, another human being, I have to make a choice and I have the same internal dialogue: It's not, "Do I find a way to mention I'm gay," but rather "If it's context appropriate, do I mention my boyfriend? If it's context appropriate, do I mention I live in West Hollywood?" I worry about being respected less. I worry about clients leaving. When I meet people socially, it's a struggle. At [my firm], it was terrifying--especially being one of two gay associates in the office and making the choice to be basically the gay attorney who reached out to other gay kids and talked to them while recruiting (i.e. everyone in the office knew). The partner I worked for was the token Republican in the office (and, to his eternal credit, took me under his wing and stood up for me and was a joy to work for, but it was still sometimes scary.)
Also, in my third year of law school I taught LRW to first years. Even though I made a choice the first day of law school I was going to be out there, I really wrestled with what to do when I was teaching, for fear that they'd respect me less, or they'd not pay attention, or they'd make less of an effort.
And when I was wrestling with being gay, I wanted it to go away. I researched whether it could be "cured" via hypnosis. I was terrified, ashamed, embarrassed.
I struggle with it (with being out, not with being gay) every day, in every interaction, and I'm a well-off well-educated guy in a big city. And I'm confident (cocky?) enough to shrug off the barrage of statements--in the media, by politicians, by clergy--telling us we're immoral, our love isn't real (it is), that we don't hurt as much (we do), that we're not good enough (we are.)
I cannot, for a minute, for an instant, fathom how people who didn't have it as easy as me cope. I don't know how kids are strong enough to come out when they live in small town in red states. I don't know how they're strong enough to come out when they have conservative religious parents (and I have many friends who've been disowned by their parents for being gay; I had one friend come home to find all of his possessions on the front lawn.) I don't think I could have done it, in those circumstances. I am in awe of young kids who do. In awe.
So I really don't get it when Christians whine that their views are being discriminated against, that we're attacking them, that it's so very difficult to be publicly Christian. It rings hollow, because they just don't get what it's like for a kid with religious parents in a conservative town. They don't get the struggle. They don't get the fear. They don't get the shame and the worry. They don't get that every day these kids are told it's wrong, it's bad, they're going to burn in hell for eternity, they won't be good parents, they're sinners, they're not as good as straight people.
So, thank you. Your posts really meant a lot to me.
Best Regards,
Brad
posted by A.L. at 10:01 AM
10 Comments:
Thanks for posting this. And thank you Brad for writing it.
It would be interesting to ask Rod Dreher for specifics. He says that he wants to be a "public Christian" and express disapproval of gays. What, specifically, does he want to do, which would be made more difficult by the acceptance of same-sex marriage?
Dreher has already announced to the world that he disapproves of gays. What more does he want to do? What specific "Christian behaviors" does he have in mind? Does he want to be unpleasant to a gay person? Does he want a doctor to be able to refuse to provide emergency care to a gay person? Does he want to disrupt a funeral for a gay person?
Was it Rolling Stone that had a great article about Prop 8 being a disaster more because of horrible marketing than majority bias? And of course if it was voted in it can be voted out !
This is a lovely letter; thanks to both of you for sharing it.
I'm with Ming: Exactly what do Dreher and others want? Is it simply that no one lives in any way - at least, not in any way recognized by the state - of which they disapprove? How might such a principle be applied?
The response to Brad's comments about how hard it is to come out is that earlier generations never did. They spent their whole lives living a lie; jovial bachelors who 'liked to play the field' or spinsters doting over their nieces and nephews. Living a lie 24/7 caused people to be alienated from themselves with enormous damage to their mental health. I speak as one who only got the courage to come out in my 58th year, when my circumstances made me immune from anything the Drehers of this world can do to me.
i would say that the same christians afraid of losing their ability to be 'openly christian', people like brad are immoral heathens who dont deserve rights. they miss out on the best people!
Anon at 5:46--this is the Brad of the letter. The simple fact that something like Prop 8 could be on a ballot at all--and accepted as a legitimate question by even a fraction of the population--is proof that it's really okay to hate gay people.
Imagine how kids in [name your backwater town in the South] feel? The look at California--the trend setter, the left-wing-out-there state, and see that even there, we get punished for being who we are. What kind of hope do you think they feel for where they are that they'll ever be accepted?
Though I am not gay, I found myself relating to the series of self-censoring questions this letter-writer related. I face something similar every day. I come from a family of child molesters. I was molested. I got therapy. I have gone on to lead a full, productive, and creative life. I am happier than most of the people I encounter. And yet whenever I begin a new relationship, I find myself wondering if mentioning my past is appropriate, and if so, when.
There is a whole range of stereotypes that argues for "the less said, the better," and yet a huge part of healing is understanding that an atmosphere of secrecy is the very thing that allows such things to happen.
Stereotypes range from "you must be permanently scared by your experience (shaped, yes, scarred? That's up to me at this stage), to "you must have led him on" (not as a toddler I didn't) to "you should forgive and forget--it's the Christian thing" (and it's incredibly dangerous), "your dad and uncles should have been castrated" (possibly, but they were also victims), and on and on. The bottom line is that people hear a fact about me--one that probably has no bearing on the relationship I have about them--and they construct a whole edifice of opinions. I have had close relationships end not because of who I am, but because of the stereotypes assigned.
I suppose that's why I find myself responding to this letter--while being gay and having been molested are two very different things, until relatively recently they have both existed in a shadow world. And now the shadows are lifting.
Perhaps we in our generation, who opened the door, will never reap the full benefits of letting light and honesty into our lives--but our children and those who come after us surely will.
It's interesting how similar the 'coming out' issues are related. I have encountered a lot of the same types of questions/treatments when people discover I am an atheist. The intolerance of the christian right is almost unbelievable.
i guess i get the analogy, bodie (neither of you could help it...) but i dont like the comparison of molestation with homosexuality. sounds like right wing rheotric in sheep's clothing. i am sure that is not your intention at all, but remember the right wing exploitation machine is sonofabitch.
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