Time to Update Party Stereotypes

One of Andrew Sullivan's emailers--who is clearly fed up with both the Republican and Democratic parties--cites the following quote from comedian Dave Barry:

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer
people, but they have demonstrated time
and again that they have the management
skills of celery. They're the kind of people
who'd stop to help you change a flat, but
would somehow manage to set your car on
fire. I would be reluctant to entrust them
with a Cuisinart, let alone the economy. The
Republicans, on the other hand, would know
how to fix your tire, but they wouldn't
bother to stop because they'd want to be on
time for Ugly Pants Night at the country club.

I've heard that quote before, and it's still just as funny, but it really does seem outdated now, doesn't it? I'm not sure when Barry wrote this, but it seems to draw heavily on Carter/Reagan era stereotypes. Democrats are well-intentioned but ineffectual while Republicans are uncaring but pragmatic and competent. But the Clinton and Bush presidencies have gone a long way toward turning these stereotypes upside down. The Clinton years, despite all the scandals, were calm and prosperous. And while Clinton's virtues will always be debated, most will agree that he was at least a competent and pragmatic leader. These qualities have not been the hallmark of Bush's presidency, however. The Bush administration has, thus far, demonstrated an almost breathtaking level of incompetency in managing the Iraq War, and Bush's reckless tax-cutting and spending have given rise to a record deficit and saddled future generations with an enormous debt. As Bill Maher famously put it, Bush "governs like Billy Joel drives." I would hope that the stereotype of Republicans as cautious and competent stewards has been thoroughly dispelled by Bush's trainwreck of a presidency.

The old stereotypes still do hold some weight, however, when it comes to raw politics. At this, and this alone, today's Republicans are still far more competent than their Democratic counterparts. They’re more organized, more disciplined, and more willing to do whatever it takes to win. Democrats, on the other hand, are far too often disorganized, undisciplined, and politically tone deaf. Today's Republicans are very good at getting elected. They're just not that experienced with or interested in the finer points of policymaking. Conservative think tanks are great at churning out policy ideas that make for great soundbites but have never been sufficiently thought through.

So let's see if we can update Barry's stereotypes for 2005. How's this?

Democrats are the kind of people who would help you change your tire, but only after lecturing you about the importance of becoming a paying member of AAA. Republicans, on the other hand, are the kind of people who would convince you that your car can’t be fixed and instead sell you (on credit) the expensive new Cato-3000 hover craft--which would immediately fall apart and burst into flames.

I know, I know, it's not as funny as the original. But it's more accurate. If I were as funny as Dave Barry, I wouldn't be doing this.