Bill Maher's Rant

The following is an excerpt from last week's Real Time with Bill Maher (full transcript here) (hat tip Tom Maguire):

America must recall the president. That's what
this country needs. A good, old-fashioned,
California-style recall election! Complete with
Gary Coleman, porno actresses and action film
stars. And just like Schwarzenegger's predecessor
here in California, George Bush is now so
unpopular, he must defend his jog against...
Russell Crowe. Because at this point, I want a
leader who will throw a phone at somebody. In
fact, let's have only phone throwers. Naomi
Campbell can be the vice-president!

Now, I kid, but seriously, Mr. President, this
job can't be fun for you anymore. There's no
more money to spend. You used up all of that.
You can't start another war because you also
used up the army. And now, darn the luck, the
rest of your term has become the Bush family
nightmare: helping poor people.

Yeah, listen to your mom. The cupboard's
bare, the credit card's maxed out, and no one
is speaking to you: mission accomplished! Now
it's time to do what you've always done best:
lose interest and walk away. Like you did with
your military service. And the oil company.
And the baseball team. It's time. Time to move
on and try the next fantasy job. How about
cowboy or spaceman?!

Now, I know what you're saying. You're saying
that there's so many other things that you, as
president, could involve yourself in...Please don't.
I know, I know, there's a lot left to do. There's a
war with Venezuela, and eliminating the sales tax
on yachts. Turning the space program over to the
church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving
embryos the vote. But, sir, none of that is going to
happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy
Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm
surprised you haven't given yourself a medal.
You're a catastrophe that walks like a man.

Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even
he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising
water and snakes. On your watch, we've lost
almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners,
two Trade Centers, a piece of the Pentagon and
the City of New Orleans...Maybe you're just not
lucky!

I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm
just wondering how much worse it could be if
you were on the other side. So, yes, God does
speak to you, and what he's saying is, "Take a hint."

I know, I know, some of that is unfair. But it's still pretty damn funny. If only Kerry could have used the "you govern like Billy Joel drives" line in one of the presidential debates, maybe things would have turned out differently.